I Ghosted My Ex and Started Fresh in Berlin — Then His Carrot Tooth Ruined Everything
I thought I’d erased him from my life. Then he sent a video I couldn’t unsee.
6 min read
When I was in my early 20’s I fell ‘in Like’ not ‘in Love’ but ‘in Like’. All my friends loved him and he integrated into my friend’s group right away. My best friend, loved him so much and had a vision that we would fall in love and get married asap because he was the best guy I had ever met so far.
I liked him a lot at first. He was creative and enjoyed going out and dancing which was hard to find in a partner in Ohio. But best of all, he popped my orgasm cherry. After about 9 months, which was the longest relationship I had ever had, the smoke cleared. I couldn’t get past how he had put me in danger countless times.
Like when he ran into the middle of the highway to rescue my backdrop paper that had flown off the back of his truck. He made the crossing but then his truck wouldn’t start in the cold and my best friend had to come rescue us.
I felt stuck. I thought maybe my friends were right that I was just being immature but the longer I stayed, the more I hated him. The way he made slurping sounds when he ate his pizza. The way he spoke in his high-pitched girl voice. The way he refused to wear proper footwear on a long hike and then complained when he got blisters from his flip flops.
One day he was supposed to pick me up for a date but he never arrived. I was relieved but also worried.
Then 8 hours later, I get a call from the hospital. He had been in a motorcycle accident.
He tells me in an exhilarated voice that if he had been a half-inch closer he would have hit a tree and died. He is talking fast which means something is going on but I’m not sure what state he is in.
Me and my mother rushed to the hospital where I laid in his bed with him and closed my eyes, glad to see he was okay. As we embraced the nurse came in and was like “oh Lordy, ya’ll must be real close!”
Only my mom and I had shown up. He had refused to contact any of our friends or his family about his accident so the nurse made the obvious assumption that we were brother and sister.
It didn’t hurt that we looked alike: pale skin and red hair except I’m considered a full on ginger because I have freckles and he is a day walker.
As I lay there with my eyes closed, I just thought even if I make it out of this relationship alive I will have to put up with a lifetime of people assuming we are siblings and my hometown does touch Kentucky so that’s not so far off.
The accident left him with a broken back and he had to wear a back brace for a year but he didn’t always wear it.
I felt so stuck under the weight of the relationship that when I had the opportunity to live in Berlin, I jumped on it right away. Berlin, Germany not Berlin, Ohio.
My sister was the only one who didn’t like him from the start and encouraged the break up. She offered me a free apartment so I packed my bags and left for Berlin within a week without telling him I had gone.
It was the ultimate ghosting.
A month goes by and I feel so free and safe.
I buy good red wine for $4. I get to see my favorite Bosch painting up close; like so close I can see the cracks in the paint. At a serious artist lecture, I see a 1960’s film of a woman having a baby that makes me question if I ever want to have my own baby.
I meet the lady who married the Berlin wall, and she invites me over for tea.
I drink Gluhvein in an outdoor winter market, huddled under a heat lamp on a date with a prematurely aged local man who chain smokes and only speaks German. In his house, I pee on a clear toilet seat with a dolphin and sand inside it.
There is so much to discover in Berlin. Even their toilets are different.
By the end of October, I get an email from my ex-boyfriend. It says that he knows I don’t want to talk to him but I should watch this video and tell him what I think.
Immediately, my mind goes back to my former life in Ohio. I’m worried that it’s a video showing he is now a paraplegic or something worse.
It’s this unlisted YouTube video. It starts off showing the expanse of his empty bedroom, his orange cat sleeping in the corner.
Then the music starts.
A sexy song, ‘Soul Kitchen’ by The Doors, begins which used to be my favorite song, when all of a sudden he pops up from behind a chair in the furthest corner of the room. He is so pale and far away I can’t tell if he is topless or has a white t-shirt on. He steps closer to the camera and starts bending his knees and moving his arms over his head like he is raising the roof.
That is when I realize he is wearing his white plastic back brace. It is cinched at the waist like a Ladies’ corset. Every time he raises his arms, his light pink nipple peeks out over the top of the plastic.
It comes to my attention that he is pretty naked besides the plastic holding his back together as he puts his floppy socked foot up on a stool and starts helicoptering his soft, flacid penis with a goofy grin.
I start to fast-forward through the helicoptering hoping that it will end soon but it does not. He helicopters his penis from the back and to the side. He stands up on his bed and helicopters it more. Except now at 10 times the speed which makes it even more comical.
I’m horrified, but I also can’t stop watching. He finally comes up to the camera super close with his mouth agape and winks. That is when I discover he has a bright orange tooth.
Like a carrot.
This is a new development. It’s only been a month since we saw each other.
How did this even happen?
I’m not sure what to think.
I send my sister a link to the video and she watches it also fast-forwarded. She is laughing but is also embarrassed for me.
I decide to send him a message saying I didn’t like it which I still regret to this day. Because it would have been a funny video to watch when I needed a pick me up or to play on the big screen at a party. But I show my cards too soon.
He takes it down immediately and sends me a new video with the same song and movements except this time he is fully clothed. Dark denim stovepipe jeans and a navy grandpa sweater cover his pale, corset. It is easier to digest but it does not make me want to be with him.
I forget about the video and him for the next 3 months. I am having a wonderful time and just start to make new friends who couldn’t care less about Ohio. I go to a weekend rave that spans over 3 nights and by Tuesday I’m scheduled to head back to the states. Which is what I say now since I’m cool.
That’s when I start thinking about the carrot tooth. I’m really curious as to what happened. He calls me and I let him pick me up from the airport.
We don’t say much but somehow, just by default, we are back together.
That night we hook up. I am on top of him and he opens his mouth as if in ecstasy and that’s when I see the bright orange carrot tooth.
It’s even brighter in person. I start to feel grossed out. So I don’t have to look at it I kiss him and imagine my tongue wrapping around his carrot… tooth like a snake and extracting it from his gums and his mouth is gushing blood and that is when I came.
I’m just kidding, I’m not a sadist. But I do have a big imagination.
The video bought him 3 more months and I never got a straight answer about the carrot tooth.